Vipassana - take one
10 Things I Hate about Vipassana
I hate the way you make me see
to become a witness to my own life’s tragedy
my own participation in the tyranny
I hate the way you make me feel
endless vibrations of energy calling out to me
sensationally alive
I hate the way you make me hear
that internal voice that refuses to quiet
my victim self > rebel > tyrant > rescuer > survivor
I hate the way you make me taste
the repulsion I have for my perceptions of insufficiencies
and those of others meant to care for me
I hate the way you make me touch
my divinity, the non-duality
the perfection in the imperfection
I hate the way you separate me
remind me of my individuality
and bring me to my sovereignty
I hate the way you play with me
what is this, how long will this last
equinimity, equitnimity, annica, annica, annica
I hate the way you so efficiently moved my energy
I don’t know what to do anymore
seems I’ve lost my identity
But mostly I hate the way
I don’t hate you
Not even close
Not even a little bit
Not even at all
I hate the way you liberate me
who knew I could feel this wholesome
and free
In April on a warm autumn morning I rolled up with my life in tow to met the head of the surgical team in front of the yellow and green Subway at the Adelaide airport who would be transporting me to Clare for my DIY root canal. Along the rolling hills of the cooling wine region of South Australia I surrendered my phone, laptop, writing utensils, paper – and voice – for a 10 day silent retreat. Vipassana claims that it will help you find and alleviate the root cause of your pain and suffering, and they liken it to a very intricate soulful surgery – a subtle energy operation. I was not particularly looking to establish a new vineyard to practice, I’ve been clearing the land, analyzing the soil, prepping and modifying and tilling; I’ve been weeding regularly, ensuring proper drainage, establishing new wind breaks, and seeding cover crops for a few years now. Rather, I set out to tour the progress and take pride in the new growth, confirm that the production of this new silly little life is coming along and that perhaps in another year a vintage might be ready to pour. This soulful venture as a sommelier has required significant sunk costs with unexpected forms of ROI already
barreled and stored in the wine cellar.
So I hopped in the 90’s silver Rav4, one guide, two new students, one old, and a long road north and sat excited. Ten days with no requirement to talk, an on-sight chef, a new place to be, and hours on end of sitting on the cushion. What I did not expect nor suspect was the initiation as a surgeon to my soulful estate which would allow for quantum proliferation through mindful degradation of built up rocks that were blocking further nourishment of the soil. After just the first sitting, where I was blinded by the white light of the operation room, which I had been experiencing as a waiting room since last fall in meditations, sound healings, and cacao ceremonies alike, the scene broke. And on that second sitting, I was presented the knife, handed the scalpel where I psychically witnessed myself cutting my third eye open. And in and out I and down and up I went to new depths of my being, 10 energetic bodies where I skillfully assessed, carefully reviewed, and tactfully renewed stagnant life.
You have to do the work; no-one else can do it for you. With all love and compassion an enlightened person shows the way to work, but he cannot carry anyone on his shoulders to the final goal. You must take steps yourself, fight your own battle, work out your own salvation. Of course, once you start working, you receive the support of all the Dhamma forces, but still you have to work yourself. You have to walk the entire path yourself. - S. N. GOENKA
The burs, files and reamers, all the tools necessary were abundantly provided, and therefore success was guaranteed. Though it is the individual who must manage the duress under the stress of the precision for which the procedure requires. This liberation is not for the faint of heart, but it is for everyone and anyone willing to put on the gloves and start. Goenka likes to say that Vipassana is the truest, purist teaching of the Buddha, and therefore the most direct way to reach enlightenment. And although I happily accept that anesthesia, I also gargle it with a big gulp of saline rinse. Because after all the exploration and play in a variety of modalities, I believe any venture, any path that enlightens you to a new way of knowing yourself, the world, and in relation to yourself, and the world is just as pure. I cannot deny, that the thing about the potency of Vipassana is a fierce grizzly on the hillside, it is shadow work, and not all modalities will take you there.
It is the ultimate portal of grief where you sit in lamentation, edging toward the wound, feeling what needs to be felt in order to discharge the energetic hold a memory or experience, an identity or a internalized storyline, has been holding captive in your psychic landscape of body and mind. As the teachings of Gabor Maté, Bessel van der Kolk and so many other traditional medicines teach, until you feel relaxed and safe enough to fully surrender and release them, those energetic charges will build up and unconsciously control how you perceive yourself, your experiences, the world, and how you show up as yourself, translate your experiences, and be in the world. These sankhara’s, or pain bodies taint the the pour. They linger like tannins, and although they certainly add flavor, and build a robust body, and seem to age well with time, in a high quantity they become toxic. This masterful skill of perception for the perfect balance is the opportunity of refinement that any dedicated and long term practice offers. Vipassana is just one way a steward of the land can process the energetic charges and allow them to dissipate.
With sutures in tact, just six weeks out, the integration is ongoing, and though I can confidently proclaim ego death, there is newfound mystery in the possibility of this new me. The version of who I am that I was able to see during those sacred hours on the cushion is shifting my identity. It was a completely mystical experience, where I sat with spirit guides, held spirit babies, rode the waves of the full range of emotions in silence, gave my ego a good workout, and sit by sit took the medicine I needed for the next evolution of my consciousness. This also came with new awarenesses of latent traumatic experiences that demanded to be reviewed, inherited generational trauma, and intense bodily sensations previously unknown, each with wisdom to share. It was light and dark, it was crisp and bold, it was bright and murky, it was blindingly enlightening; it was a cosmic soul trip.
The problem is that one is very alert at harvest time, wanting to receive sweet fruit, but during the sowing season one is very heedless, and plants seeds of bitterness. If one wants sweet fruit, one should plant the proper type of seeds. Praying or hoping for a miracle is merely self-deception; one must understand and live according to the law of nature. One must be careful about one's actions, because these are the seeds in accordance with the quality of which one will receive sweetness or bitterness. - S. N. GOENKA
If you’re into learning how to perform a DIY root canal to understand the root cause of your suffering there are meditation centers worldwide.
Dhamma Ujala in Clare, Australia
Vipassana Centers World Map
The poem was inspired by that 90’s classic rom-com, 10 Things I Hate About You.
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