vipassana – take seven
Ten Parami – ters some live by
Nekkhamma if you wanna but imma be a householder
Sila see sila do not kill, take, rape, misspeak, intoxicate
Viriya – fy your cravings and aversions that cause your suffering
Panna canna only end suffering through self-observation
Khanti get mad at the ignorant or sick
Sacca drag to know the truth is always in the present
Adhitthana a marathona, not a sprint to enlightenment
Metta new soul today, send some love their way to be happy
Upekkha uppa on the fluctuations of the mind and drop the attachment
Dana – ate so others too can learn the way out of suffering
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Finally on day nine of the retreat - yes, thanks for hanging in there on this journey, we’re just now at day nine - they introduce the sweep method. And it is the ultimate relief for the nervous system. Manically I swept cackling like one of the sisters from Hocus Pocus, or even better like Baba Yaga riding her broom through the night. Deliriously my inner child swung back and forth as I inhaled and exhaled hypnotically. Steadily I sutured frayed energetic tendrils inside and out, up and down, side to side, with the precision of a veteran surgeon. And with the relief came the desire to ascend.
It is said that the doorway to enlightenment is held in that space between the inhale and the exhale, that auspicious pause. After all this mystical shit I was ready to attempt the ultimate escape and so at the top of every breath I desperately envisioned hurtling myself in Hanuman style leaps of faith into the abyss out my crown chakra at the top of my head into the heavens of enlightenment. Extending the pause somewhat dramatically to see what was possible, and returned again to the drop of the exhale. After a bit of my ego having such fun, it occurred to me I was efforting (craving) a specific outcome that I couldn’t even begin to imagine what I was expecting to happen or purport to know anything about what the experience would be. And so I dropped it, and returned to the effortless breath, and the soothing sweep, and gained the wisdom sought which told me, there’s nowhere to go except inward toward the heart center, libration is through the body, by being embodied. Funny how the medicine never gives you what you want, but instead what you need.
Besides there are ten, as you see above, “good mental qualities parami – that one must perfect to reach the final goal.” My ego I find is well intact, though changed, as am I. This dissolving of the ego into egolessness is the journey and regardless of the outcome the pursuit makes life worth living. For now, I’m not ready to renunciate all my personal possessions that this robust although flawed world that capitalism and all the other -isms have created, and that I surely perpetuate even from a conscious state. And because I know, and I believe in the possibility of change, because I am now even more intimately and acutely aware of the impermanence of it all. And that’s where the opportunity lies, that chink in the matrix, where things look stable and solid but actually aren’t as secure as they seem. That doorway is what we shoot for to effect change, and attempt ascension, and know that regardless we are successful because nothing will be the same once we’ve endeavored such an audacious goal.
And the thing is, these proposed morals are messy and exclusionary and imperfect and create division and suffering in their existence just as their existence creates safety and order. Being human is messy, because with all this introspective gazing I can see how I commit moral crimes against myself all the time– I am an infinitely flawed human being. Being alive is messy–it’s not even simple on the individual level. It’s rather exhaustingly chaotic, and although looking deeply into it seems to help, it doesn’t seem to help at all, because now all I can see is how random it all is, while feeling like it’s super personal. Which helps me return to the main question, which can only be answered in the present moment with full awareness, which is what am I feeling? Not how am I feeling, that allows the mind to attach emotions to felt sense experience. Simply and purely, what am I feeling.
Once I can discern that, I can then follow up with how do I want to feel, and that drops me into the moment of truth, what do I need to do to feel that way. This takes a lot of effort, this is the process of the purification of the mind for total liberation. And there’s only one answer, BREATHE. Breathe until the constriction is released and the tension is dissipated. And then begin again.
From the time of birth, one is trained always to look outside. One never observes oneself, and therefore one is incapable of going to the depths of one's problems. Instead one looks for the cause of one's misery outside, always blaming others for one's unhappiness. One sees things from only one angle, a partial view, which is bound to be distorted; and yet one accepts this view as the full truth. Any decision made with this incomplete information will only be harmful to oneself and others. - S. N. GOENKA
Those initial couple of days spend with concentration on a very small portion of the body, just the nostrils, and just the self. Breathing in and out, not controlling or regulating, is mind numbingly irritating. Then, the majority of the days are spent in the skin crawlingly agonizingly slow creep down and up the body, first externally, noting sensations inch-by-inch. Moving to the slow creep down and up the body, interiorly. Once you are flayed, you stay open, working diligently, outside for a while, then inside for a while, outside for a while, then inside for a while. To pierce the veil into your true humanity, and shatter the egoic perception of godlike status is traumatizing.
This methodology essentially heals trauma with trauma as you come to face yourself, the ultimate victim of society/family/self, the ultimate tyrant of society/family/self, the ultimate rebel of society/family/self, and eventually the ultimate savior society/family/self, and the ultimate survivor society/family/self. It is often said that we have played all these roles throughout our many lifetimes (assuming you’re into the whole reincarnation thing). But what I have unequivocally found, is that you also play all these roles infinitely within this “one” lifetime.
And the beautiful thing about knowing yourself more intimately and knowing your imperfection as a human is that it builds tolerance. Suddenly you are far less disturbed
and irritated by the actions of another person, because you intimately know the pain they suffer from and where they are acting from. This is where the loving kindness for the self and for others is cultivated. In the compassionate awareness that when we act from pain we pass the pain. But with a new awareness that when someone passes it, it is not for us to hold.
And the annoying thing is, there’s no “room for imagination” when it comes to the truth.
The truth is the truth, and the truth lives only in the moment, it is here and now – everything else is just a memory. Take a breathe, what do you feel? Take a breath, now what do you feel? Take a breath, how about now, what do you feel? Are you annoyed yet, or more curious? Did I make you do it, or did you choose to do it? Who truly holds the power?
Seeing from only one angle, one imagines that ones suffering is caused by other people, by an external situation. Therefore one devotes all one's energy to changing others, to changing the external situation. In fact, this is a wasted effort. One who has learned to observe reality within soon realizes that he is completely responsible for his misery or happiness. - S. N. GOENKA
So here I sat, externally a full body sweep down–sweep up, then internally sweep down–sweep up. And you do pause for any sensations, but they seem to be less intense and fewer and farther between by this point in the journey, which creates the delightful effect of a soul nourishing rocking. If only a momentary relief before you make the strong determination to continue a daily practice of 2 hours of siting without break to reach liberation upon returning home. To come back and do it again annually as is recommended, to dedicate oneself to individual liberation for the liberation of all. Because it is here, in the depths of the bodies that the purification of the subconscious mind happens, and that purification is the cultivation of pure, selfless love. This is the ultimate place to wish true happiness for others, because it is personally known that it is in the equanimity of the impermanence of it all that liberation comes.
Which creates this deep desire to share these profound yet simply teachings, because what one has earned for one's own benefit is also for the benefit of others. Did I mention there is no charge to go on Vipassana retreat? It is by donation only, and they only accept donation after you have completed the course; monetary and volunteer service are acceptable forms of donation. It’s the ultimate all inclusive retreat - totally and completely life changing.
If you’re ready to break the glass, there are meditation centers worldwide.
Dhamma Ujala in Clare, Australia
Vipassana Centers World Map
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