and Other Adventures in my Alchemy of Becoming
When your given name is Devananda and you didn’t grow up in a Hindu family or in a hippy commune, you are destined for a spiritual journey from birth. Then again, as souls inhabiting human bodies we are all on a spiritual journey, some of us are simply more conscious of this fact than others. This consciousness is a choice; a decision to actively participate by becoming the alchemist and perpetually blooming into the truest versions of ourselves. And it’s not for the faint of heart; it starts with that background chatter, that there’s something missing, that this can’t possibly be what it’s all about—who am I?
I had accumulated a massive amount of culturally normative badges; a bachelors degree; a hetero life partner, a move to the big city, a house and a dog; a handful of jobs across various industries, real estate investing and entrepreneurship; domestic and international travel; relocation; and an ever expanding community of friends and family. And despite a foundation of deep devotion to a yoga asana practice and self reflection, still a void; a deep sense that it’s not enough, that I am not enough.
For nearly a year with my eyes closed, on the floor, heavy with soul leadened desperation, I practiced yin yoga exclusively. I had been enduring panic attacks while walking the dog in fear of the thought of going to work. Then I’d show up anyway for everyone, smile and all, while privately, seeking the motivation and energy to get back up off the floor. This excruciating time spent in calcination, where brokenness is acknowledged, has one questioning and investigating everything previously known, testing its validity. It requires a gathering of new practical tools, skills, experience and knowledge that so drastically shifts a perspective, the only solution is change.
This level of seeking is directional, but far from a linear path; turns out life isn’t straight either. Along these winding roads inward, as the adage goes, when the student is ready the teacher will appear. First in the form of a meditation app; and an internal voice that says, “I’m healing myself from the inside out”. Then a group yoga weekend retreat at a mountaintop ashram; a glimpse into spirituality never experienced before. And an all inclusive yoga teacher training in a subtropical land that makes you realize how magical it is simply being rather than doing.
Conveniently I returned home just in time for a pandemic lockdown; a perfect opportunity to work on integrating what I learned in yoga teacher training within my everyday life. And which required significant healing in my most disillusioned relationship; the one with my body and with food. The program included cognitive behavioral training and suddenly the final wisps of the lingering fog of depression lifted. Through dissolution, all that is accumulated and known must become malleable, merging with devotion and faith in the hidden, unseen, unknown. And this is where the magic begins to happen; a resolved confidence is growing and there is a new understanding and re-knowing of self being birthed.
A new desire for self-acceptance and love, and mind + body + soul union has me searching YouTube to find a Kundalini class. Years earlier after taking a class I thought the subtle body, aura clearing work was too woo-woo. But with my burgeoning spirituality, it now called to me. A soul fire was ignited; my teacher is glorious, the classes are exceptional, and she and a collaborator have a book club of sorts offering individual coaching through the spiritual awakening process. I learn through the book, to connect with my guides (the unseen); I sway (front to back) asking yes or no questions or what is in my highest and best interest - yeah even out in public. Capitalism, the patriarchy, colonization, white supremacy, personal and collective trauma, and all the other oppressive systems have overtly and covertly separated women from their intuition, their knowing, their truth. It’s our life’s work to come back to ourselves, this is the truest journey. And through this reunion with the self, it will fracture and cause a different kind of separation; that of life before and life after. A new person is revealed, a new way of being, and little of the previous life will fit anymore.
I leave the Rocky Mountains for the coast of Maine to explore a business idea at a yoga bed & breakfast through seva (yogic selfless service). And I fall deeply in love with every guest. We are all mirrors of each other; the things we love, hate and hope for are all reflected back. Which is to say, I was falling madly in love with myself. And there are more feelings too, that I sit with while on the train headed to Portland; there’s something blooming, something coming to the light, something familiar but different. I have developed deep admiration (mind) - and some feelings (body) - it’s a crush (soul) for the other seva worker, a beautiful, intelligent, humorous, lesbian.
The thing is, there’s this energy, this pull, this attraction that I hadn’t previously given myself permission to have; and my logical mind decides that sexuality is fluid and I can be in a monogamous hetero relationship and have feelings for other people, women included. There’s now a distraction from the business plan, and a fissure; suddenly new parts of myself have been illuminated and I turn inward to my kundalini, meditation and guides to process this revelation. And so on the porch in front of the chiminea, me and him and two yeti’s of tea, stars above, deck below, I know this is our parting. After 15 years, there’s a deep equanimity, and slight melancholy in my belly. I was moving to the mountain top yoga ashram with the intention of staying for 3 months. In the midst of a deep meditation the fissure evolves into a door and a 12 year old, naked, soaking wet, sobbing, inner child tells me I am a lesbian; a resounding exhale and tears release. And in the surrender I physically feel the raw chasm where I had been hiding, neglecting, and protecting my sexuality, heal. I won’t be returning home; my new awareness of comphet makes the decision that much easier. The conjunction causes a reframing and demands total surrender into the emerging future of new beliefs and identities; a time for learning how to interpret and implement, and a pause for integration is required.
Confrontation even through compassion, and especially in the name of self-love is at once terrifying and exhilarating. Witnessing the destruction of others’ paradigms when speaking your truth to those you love and care about demands harrowing levels of self-compassion and courage. Conscious uncoupling was both a heartbreaking submission into the pain of disappointing others through choosing myself first, and the salve to my aching, raw heart begging to be acknowledged, seen and heard. The emancipation of the soul that comes through agony and bliss is a blindingly enlightening experience.
A tender time for deconstruction and rebirth is ushered in. A new awareness has emerged, and for a time, every thought, feeling, emotion, body sensation is analyzed; realignment and recalibration takes time. The freedom is gratifying like the audacious conviction to move across the country, miles of road and potential ahead. Exhilarating like writhing and expressive embodied movement practices in the sandy desert shade of a yoni cave in Zion. Sweet like hot, muggy summer afternoons spent skinny dipping in the rivers of the northwest mountains of Maine. Restorative like expansive afternoon naps in hammocks along the lake of upstate New York while on retreat. A constant state of exploration, eyes and heart wide open; life is vibrant again. The flow of input is slowed by the call to be still, to rest, to receive the accumulation of new. A requirement of time to simply exist in that new level, that new state of being. Fermentation is a deep state of observation that can be likened to that in meditation; another state of integration.
Each provocative encounter we experience is an opportunity to return to center, to remember, to embrace our truth that only we can know. After a lifetime of doing the human thing, the culturally appropriate, the outwardly focused, the putting on of masks—the spirituality of de-robing, the rebirth, the revelation is a glorious sight. There’s less swaying these days, the inner relationship that’s been cultivated through the quietude of the mind and discernment of energy in the body allow for the answers to swell and be known. A transition happens where there is less urgency and chaos, a shift to a refinement of the realignment that has occurred. Every change made, every choice in alignment feels subtle and expansive, harrowing and familiar. Suddenly there’s less doing and a resolve to simply be; we are after all, human—be-ings. And while Kundalini yoga didn’t “make” me gay, it was the key to that final lock on the doorway to my heart; opening me up to a version of myself I had hid away long ago. Distilling down to your truest and authentic self demands levels of discernment and individuality, a sovereignty that was previously unknown, and full embodiment.
Once again I find myself at the mountain top ashram, gazing at the stars; surrendering into the coagulating, the final integration of the truest current version of myself. Now, in unity, I convene with my guides and ancestors ready to collaborate, coordinate and create for the collective with a better understanding and acceptance of who I am. At this inconspicuous bend, I pause in the mystery of what is next; reminding myself that with patience cultivated, faith will bloom. And that away from here, many days, weeks, months, years from now, unexpectedly and often unrecognizably, fulfillment will come when the mind is quiet, the body is still, and the soul is open to both the familiar and unknown.
As the late guru Ram Das says “we’re all just walking each other home”. I wish you the best on your own journey, may you be gentle with yourself, and continue to explore with curiosity instead of control. May you too embrace your inner alchemist and bloom into the truest version of yourself.
This personal essay was published in the 1st edition of the Late Bloomers Clvb in December 2022. View the Zine
As referenced above, unaffiliated links to:
Soul Fire Social — Kundalini Yoga
The Alchemy of Becoming: A Guide to Inner Awakening — Book
Your Seed of Softness Meditation - Sarah Blondin
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